Seymour's Bright Idea
by Nardo T. Icarus
Summary: Seymour goes crazy and causes randomness in Spira. WHEN IS HE GONNA STAY DEAD!
1. Seymour's Arrival

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo owns nothing

**Note:** This takes place roughly 8 years after _Final Fantasy X _and 6 years after _Final Fantasy X-2_, so the ages are as follows:

Seymour: 36

Wakka: 31

Yuna: 25

Lulu: 30

Kimahri: 33?

Auron: Old…actually, 43

Rikku: 23

Vidina: 6

Paine: 24

One day, Maester-Turned-Recording-Artist, Seymour Guado was sitting in his cozy home in Guadosalam(i), bored half to death.

"I know what Imma do," he said

Thus, Seymour went to Luca, where he started juggling seven flaming chainsaws while singing classic 80's hits. He soon got bored with this and went to Zanarkand. He quickly got bored looking at the desolate ruins and went to Besaid.

"I know what Imma do," he said, poking his head out from behind the temple. He proceeded to run out from behind the temple laughing and babbling like an idiot. He was going so fast that he almost didn't realize Wakka standing out in the middle of the village for no apparent reason. Upon realizing this, he started to tiptoe quietly while quietly giggling with a girl's voice.

"HI, BEACHBUM," Seymour screamed directly into Wakka's ear.

"Ow, hey! What's the m****af***in' big idea, ya? Oh, it's just you, Seymour," said the Blitzball Legend, as he returned to his original position.

"Wakka, of course, always had a habit of saying "ya" at the end of his sentences," narrated Seymour, even though it wasn't his freakin' job. Wakka suddenly frowned and let out an annoyed grunt. Just then, Yuna came out of a little house, which was apparently an Ice cream shop. She had a cone of strawberry ice cream with sprinkles on top and she was enjoying it quite muchly, until…

"Gimme yer m***af***in' ice cream, b***h," Seymour said, pointing an old-school squirt gun at the real-gun-wielding young lady. He had a ski mask on, but it didn't cover his hair all that well…in fact, not at all. Thus it was easy for Yuna to figure out who it was.

"Oh, hi, Seymour," said Yuna, dismissing Seymour as a minor threat…in fact not really a threat at all, rather a miniscule annoyance that could be ignored. Thus, she walked around him as if he were just a telephone pole that just happened to pop up in her path.

"I'm the groom," the former Maester said out of complete random. He then proceeded to swipe Yuna's ice cream cone right out of her hands when she was in the middle of licking it.

"Hey, I paid for that ice cream. Give it back," Yuna said, almost totally unfazed, considering her ice cream was only 12G.

"These will give you calories," Seymour said, before he devoured Yuna's ice cream right in front of her, after which he continued, "wouldn't want you getting cancer, now, would we?"

"You idiot, ice cream doesn't cause cancer, smoking does," replied a stoic female voice from a nearby house. Apparently the voice belonged to Wakka's wife, Lulu.

"," Seymour said in and illegible, rapid-fire tone.

Lulu simply replied, "Eh?"

Wakka came into the picture, "and where's my shampoo, ya?!"

Yuna continued, trying to put things back on track, "and they DON'T cause cancer," referring to ice cream cones.

"Bacon," said Seymour, simply, once again destroying the balance of the conversation that Yuna tried so hard to restore.

"EPIC FAIL," said Wakka, cupping his hands around his mouth to make a makeshift megaphone.

"That was a triumphant fail," said Yuna, jovially, not seeming to mind that Seymour threw Besaid into randomness once again.

"Well, YOU seem to be just cool with this," said Lulu, surprised.

"I'm not," said Yuna, not changing her cheerful demeanor until she suddenly whipped out her guns and started shooting at Seymour, seeming to send him into a void.

"I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW!!! I SWEAR TO GOD," declared Seymour as he drifted into la-la land.


	2. Seymour's Return

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo owns nothing

***** THE NEXT DAY!!!!! *****

And so, Seymour returned, keeping his promise to Yuna and the others. He was about to knock on Wakka's door, when he found a note. The note said:

Dear Whoever,

Went to the Bikanel desert for no reason whatsoever. Don't worry, we'll be back later, ya? We need to go to the desert, because it is an important business trip – a Blitzball business trip. If we don't go to this business trip, we'll be broke for life, ya? Would you like that to happen? What if it happened to YOU? Didn't think so. So pack your s*** and get away from my door, ya?!

Sincerely,

Wakka

P.S.: If you're Seymour, you owe Yuna a strawberry ice cream cone. 'Kay, thanks, bye.

Upon reading the letter, Seymour realized that Wakka was making it up as he went along. Unconvinced and unamused, he proceeded to bang on Wakka's door. "OPEN THE DOOR WAKKA! THIS IS THE COPS!"

"Besaid Police don't sound like that, you nimrod," countered Wakka, who started to wonder if there even WAS a police force in Besaid, but then he remembered the Crusaders' tent across the street and how they could probably form a police force, considering Sin had been dead for eight years.

"I'm going to destroy the planet," said Seymour, changing his story completely.

"You can't destroy the planet," said Wakka.

"With Meteo," added Seymour.

Wakka corrected him, "Meteor?"

"The very same," ensured Seymour.

Wakka kicked the door wide open, which would've hit Seymour clear in the face, had he not jumped back at the last millisecond. "F*** YOU, M***AF***A," screamed Wakka, for all of Besaid and possibly part of Kilika to hear.

Lulu's face turned beat red with embarrassment, as well as anger, "Wakka, have you forgotten that we have a six-year-old child living in the house," she yelled.

"And let's not forget the REST of Besaid's youths," added Seymour.

"Yeah, go bother Auron," advised Wakka, as he closed the door in Seymour's face.

Next time, Seymour receives many death threats from a certain sword-toting zombie man.


	3. Mushroom Rock Mayhem

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo Owns Nothing.

Taking Wakka's advice from the previous chapter, Seymour went to Mushroom Rock to scout for scenes for his new music video. It was there that he spotted Auron, which reminded him of something Wakka had told him earlier. It came back to him as, "go shoot your music video with Auron, ya? Then you'll win a Wii!"

"I always wanted a Wii," Seymour said out loud.

"And _I _want idiots like _you_ to _stay_ dead, instead of coming back, like, 600 times," answered Auron, who's good mood was shattered by Seymour's high-pitched, screeching, irritating voi- _presence!_

"Yo, bro, you wanna shoot a music video with me," asked Seymour.

"I'd rather _die_…and I'm _already_ dead," was Auron's answer.

"Didn't you get brung back from the dead a few years ago," asked Seymour.

"Look, if you're gonna play games of twenty questions, at _least_ have the common decency to learn _proper_ English," ordered Auron, pointing his sword at Seymour.

"Or else what," asked Seymour.

"OR ELSE I WILL JAB MY SWORD SO FAR UP YOUR-"

*****A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER*****

"…NOT EVEN YOUR _MOTHER_ WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN," threatened Auron.

Seymour corrected Auron, "but…my mother's-"

"I am _well aware of that_," answered Auron, "I'm reffering to Anime Anima, the Aeon best suited for kicking your butt from one end of Spira to the other back and forth 99,999 times in the Japanese and North American versions and 1,599,984 times in the International and PAL region versions."

"Haha, you said 'region'," said Seymour.

"One more comment like that…everything you own…and everything you love…will belong to me…OR BE CUT OFF," threatened Auron.

Seymour tried to change the subject, "SQUDALA!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE F*** UP," Auron readied his sword and started chasing Seymour all over Mushroom Rock.

While Seymour was too distracted by his potential recording partner chasing him with murderous intent, he failed to notice the golden yellow patch of grass growing in his path. Thus, he tripped over it like some kind of klutz.

"Whoa," said Seymour in a stupid tone.

Auron saw the patch of grass and thought it was peculiar, so he took a moment from chasing Seymour (who was rendered unconscious by the collision of the rocks and his head, anyway) to examine it more closely.

"Rikku," he said in an annoyed.

Out of the ground came Rikku.

"Rikku," she yelled.

"Rikku, what have I told you about hidin' in the ground an' trippin' people outta _complete random_," scolded Cid who just _happened_ to show up right then and there.

"I sorry, Daddy," Rikku said, as she slumped her head down.

"RIKKU, OUI YNA DFAHDO-DRNAA OYANC UMT! DFAHDO-V***EHK-DRNAA! CDUB DYMGEHK MEGA Y _V***EHK PYPO_ YHT KNUF IB YMNAYTO," Cid ordered.

"E ys cunno, Vadren," said Rikku, twiddling her fingers with her knees quivering.

"Kuut," said Cid as he returned to the _Fahrenheit_ to do routine maintenance.

"Did Cid just tell Rikku to stop acting like a f***ing baby," asked Seymour, waking up from his short rock-to-the-head stupor.

"Yes…yes he did," answered Auron.

"Well, now that that's over," said Rikku as she kicked Seymour where it counts.

"AHH! Mah jemmz," squealed Seymour in pain.

"Thank you, Rikku. Now, let's get out of here before he recovers," said Auron.

"Okay," agreed Rikku as they went as far away from Mushroom Rock (and Seymour) as possible.

When they were far away enough as to not know what happened next, in the background of Seymour clutching himself in pain came a familiar pair of shorts with a familiar emblem on them, who said in a familiar voice, "I wonder who left_ this_ garbage on the floor?"

Seymour suddenly snapped out of his painful state and got up really quickly.

***** CLIFFHANGER!!!!! *****


	4. Tidus Died And Went to the Farplane

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo owns nothing.

Where we last left off, Seymour had sustained undisclosed injuries, but quickly recovered at the sound of a familiar voice.

"Whatcha want, boy?! Whatcha want," asked Seymour.

Apparently, the familiar voice belonged to…SHUY- TIDUS! He answered, "I see your hair hasn't changed at all, considering what _you_ apparently went through today."

"Yes, I programmed my hair to stay the same no matter what the situation," said Seymour, "but you have yet to answer my question, Tidus."

"Why, I'm a _bill collector_," answered Tidus.

"A bill collector," asked Seymour, annoyed.

"Yup, and apparently, you owe Yuna a strawberry ice cream cone," said Tidus.

"Not _that_ bulls*** again," said Seymour.

"Fine, then," said Tidus, "if you don't wanna be bothered, then I'll leave you alone," he then disappeared, "b****!"

"What?! What did you call me?! Show yourself, you buffoon," demanded Seymour.

"Tidus isn't here," said his voice.

"Yeah, he is," said Seymour, unamused by Tidus' tactics.

"Tidus died," the voice said, even though it was obvious he was still alive.

"Tidus, stop being an a** and show yourself, so I can BEAT YOUR HEAD IN," demanded Seymour, who was starting to get annoyed.

"Tidus died and went to the Farplane," insisted the voice.

"You f***hole! Show yourself, Tidus! I ain't got all day, you know! I got a music video to record," explained Seymour.

"_You're_ a _recording artist_," asked Tidus' voice, doubtfully.

"Yes, I am," said Seymour.

"Never heard of your music," chuckled the voice.

Seymour finally revealed his true frustrations at the situation, "Tidus, you jacka**! Quit hiding like a fr***in' squirrel and _face me like a man_!" Seymour turned his back to the camera to reveal, unbeknownst to him, Tidus clinging to the back of Seymour's fancy coat. Seymour, just realizing what was going on, turned his face back to the camera, and cast Firaga on his own back, which only seemed to affect Tidus.

"No! Not Firaga! It BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS," yelled Tidus, who dropped off of Seymour's back and started rolling around on the ground.

"Waterga," Seymour cast the spell on Tidus just to embarrass him with pity – not to mention to set up his next trick.

"STOP IT, SEYMOUR! YOU'RE GETTING ME WET," demanded Tidus.

"Thundaga," Seymour cast yet another level 3 spell on Tidus. Seymour had never heard such a cry come from anyone's mouth in all of his 36 years. Anyone that is, other than Tromell.

"Blizzaga," Seymour cast the spell on Tidus to put him out of his misery.

"Seymour, get me out," demanded the Tidusicle with the weirdest face on him that Seymour has only seen on Wakka before.

"Hey, look at it this way, now you can live forever," said Seymour, as he was chipping away excess ice as to make a Tidus ice sculpture.

"You mean like Walt Disney," asked Tidus, enthusiastically.

"No," said Seymour in an 'I'm just cool with the world' tone.

"Darn," said Tidus.

"Now to send you to another dimension," said Seymour as he chiseled the last touches in his statue.

"What?! Wait," yelled Tidus as Seymour cast FFV Banish on him.

"Now that _that_ bozo's out of the way," said Seymour as a limousine stopped in his path. "The f***," he said.

The door opened slowly, thus beginning the prelude the most annoying limousine ride of his life.


	5. SEYMOUR IS A CHEATER!

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo owns nothing.

**Note:** This chapter is partially inspired by a scene in a movie (read disclaimer), a free Penance cookie for whoever can guess the name, film company, and year correctly.

Where we left off, Seymour had just thrown Tidus into the Rift when he was confronted by a mysterious limousine. The door opened slowly to reveal the passenger, who turned out to be none other than the very person he annoyed the crap out of all those years ago: Yuna!

"Get in the car, Seymour. We need to discuss something," she said.

Seymour said, skittishly, "b-but, this is a-"

"Who _cares_ what it is, _JUST GET IN_," demanded Yuna, as though she had never demanded anything before, which I'm not sure she even _has_.

"Okay, okay, sheesh," Seymour said as he got in the limo. The front seat belonged to the driver, obviously, and said driver was isolated from the passengers via a window. In the middle seats, which faced away from the driver, there were Yuna on the right-hind side of the vehicle and something mysterious hidden under a blanket. In the back seat there were, each of them occupying the end seats, Biran and Yenke Ronso (RANDOM!!!), who left a seat in the middle for Seymour.

"So, where'd you get a limo, anyway," asked Seymour.

"I don't knooooow," said Yuna in an innocent tone, "I just found it one day with a note on the windshield that said 'Lady Yuna, please take my limo, for I no longer have use for it.' So, I figured it'd be excellent for random things like this."

"Then who the heck is the driver," asked Seymour.

"I always wanted to drive a limo, ya," said an irritatingly familiar voice who didn't hear a word of the conversation, but just felt like saying what he said out of complete random.

"Are you _insane,_ Yuna," asked Seymour, whose blood pressure shot up upon leaning the driver's identity.

"Yes, you are," said Yuna.

"No, I mean…come on! Wakka, the driver?! That's _pure insanity_," exclaimed Seymour.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when we _actually_ have something in common," said Yuna.

"That's it, if you invited me on this haunted hayride just to bash me, I'm-"

Seymour tried to leave the limo, which would've been an extremely stupid move, for the limo was moving. However, he stopped when he saw Biran glaring angrily at him and sat back down.

"So, how was your day, Seymour," asked Yuna, politely.

"Well, I was trying to record a music video on mushroom rock, but my partner refused and issued terroristic threats against me, so I'm no longer in the mood," he explained.

"Aw, that's too bad. Who was your partner," asked Yuna.

Remembering that it was Auron who was his 'partner,' he didn't want Yuna to know that for God knows what reason (which I don't, by the way, that's just a figure of speech). So, he formulated a fake name, "Uh, Auroch."

"The Besaid Aurochs issued terroristic threats against you," asked Yuna, all confused.

Suddenly the isolation window rolled down. "Look, if you wanna accuse the Aurochs of terroristic threats, be prepared to say that in _court_ with a straight face, ya," said Wakka, taking his attention completely off the subject of driving.

"EYES ON THE WHEEL, HANDS ON THE ROAD," said Yuna, panicking.

"But I'll get run ove-"

"JUST DRIVE," yelled Yuna.

"Oh, my God," said Wakka, realizing the situation and quickly regaining control of the limo, then closing the window.

"That guy is a f***ing maniac," whispered Seymour, having almost suffered a heart attack.

"Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say in front of a little kid," said Yuna.

Seymour laughed, "that's where you're wrong, Yuna. _WE'RE IN A LIMO!_ There ain't no kids in here."

"That's where you're wrong, Seymour," said Yuna, as the mysterious blanket next to her came off of what would become, what Seymour believes, his worst and most shameful mistake ever.

"Hi, _Daddy_," said a small Guado child who had been hiding under the blanket for the whole ride.

"Did…that kid just call me 'daddy,'" asked Seymour.

"Yes," confirmed Yuna, "Seymour, meet Signy…your daughter."

"Mah hoo with duh wut now," asked Seymour as the words, 'Signy' and 'Daughter' echoed in his head.

"And get this," said Yuna, "she was born eight years ago – just _days_ after our wedding!"

"Annnnnnd, this means what, exactly," asked Seymour.

"It means you _cheated on Mommy_," said Signy.

"_I don't know your mom, kid! Whaddya want_," yelled Seymour, who remembered nothing before his patricide other than his Mother becoming a Fayth and the years he spent all alone at Baaj.

"Allow me to explain," said Yuna, triggering a flashback sequence with a rather long transition.

"Wakka," scolded Yuna.

"Sorry," said Wakka, who was having fun playing with the flashback transition controls in the limo.

***** Flashback to Guadosalam, previous day *****

After Seymour was shot in Chapter 1, Yuna had visited her parents in the Farplane like she'd been doing every year. As she was about to leave Guadosalam, she heard the voice of a soft-spoken woman with an Eastern European accent call, "Lady Yuna," in an excited tone.

"Eh," said a surprised Yuna.

"I'm glad I found you. Have you seen Seymour," asked the woman.

"Why do you ask," asked Yuna, who, having shot Seymour before, didn't want to upset the poor woman if she was someone who actually cared about Seymour.

"I _miss_ him," cried the woman.

"How could you miss him, he's been living in Guadosalam for a while now."

"I vant him to come back to me, I _miss_ him," the woman cried.

"What's your name," asked Yuna.

"Sveta," the woman said.

Sveta invited Yuna into her house, where she told the story of her and Seymour.

"So you were in love with Seymour, but he left you when you were about to have a baby," asked Yuna.

"Yes, that's vhat I just finished telling you," said Sveta.

Just then, Signy walked in. "Oh, company," she said.

"Signy, vhere are your manners, you say 'hello' to guests, not 'oh, company.' That makes it sound like you are annoyed vith them and you don't vant them to be there," said Sveta.

"I sorry, Mommy," said Signy.

"Now, vhat do you say," asked Sveta.

"I sorry," apologized Signy.

"It's okay," smiled Yuna at the cute, little eight-year-old.

***** END FLASHBACK *****

"And so, after Sveta let me spend the night, I came up with an idea to get you to at least meet your poor daughter, who never laid eyes on her daddy, and hopefully reunite you and Sveta, thus making her _very happy_," finished Yuna, who then added, "also, I wanted to put this limo to good use."

"Got _that_ right, ya," added Wakka, muffled by the isolation window.

"Okay, so what you're telling me is, that this Sveta woman, who I apparently dated at one point, misses me and wants me to come back to her. Is that what you're saying," asked Seymour.

"Yup," said Yuna, Signy, Biran, Yenke, and Wakka in unison.

"Who's Sveta," asked Seymour.

"Seymour, you have the memory of an amnesiac, brain-dead, little goldfish if you don't remember what I just told you," said Yuna, annoyed at Seymour's denial.

"If this Sveta wants me back, why doesn't she just come to the palace," questioned Seymour.

"She's kinda shy," said Yuna, "she's not sure she's quite ready to face you after all these years."

"So, she wants to fight me? Fine, I'll be at her house as Omnis _tomorrow_," declared Seymour.

"Don't hurt Mommy," yelled Signy.

"Ugh, Seymour, you're dumber than even I thought possible for you," Yuna said.

The car stopped and the isolation window rolled down. "Okay, we're here, ya," announced Wakka.

"Welcome to Food Cat, can I take your order," asked the nasal female voice over an intercom.

"Okay, what's everybody want," asked Wakka.

"Ugh, my diet is _ruined_," groaned Yuna, "I hope you can live happily ever after this with yourself." She began to tell Wakka her order, "I'll have a lion burger, fries, and a strawberry milkshake, please."

"I want a kitty meal," announced Signy.

"TIGER TACOS," yelled the two Ronso.

"What do you want, Seymour," asked Yuna.

"I don't want anything," said Seymour.

"Get him a hot dog," said Yuna.

"Okay," answered Wakka.

"Ah dun _wanna_ fr***in' hot dog," mumbled Seymour.

"Language, Seymour," said Yuna.

"Or you will be stoned to death for your insolence," said Signy out of complete random. Yuna scooted over a little bit.

"Okay, everything's ordered, time to go pick it up, ya," narrated Wakka.

"When does this ride end," asked Seymour.

"I don't knooooow," said Yuna, innocently, "what do you think, Wakka?"

"Well, we gotta go to the _Rift_," said Wakka.

"The Rift," questioned Yuna.

"Yup," confirmed Wakka.

"Why," asked Signy.

"Apparently, Tidus called me roughly six minutes ago on the limousine's built-in, hands-free, cellular phone, which I'm hoping we're not gonna get any bills on, and told me that Seymour trapped him in the Rift. So we're gonna go an' get him out, ya," explained Wakka.

"Seymour," yelled Yuna, with a sad, yet angry look on her face.

"Why'd ya go and do _that_, Daddy," asked Signy.

"He was interfering with my music video, so I used every level 3 elemental spell on him and _sent him home early_," explained Seymour.

"That's _dumb_," said Signy.

Seymour became enraged, "Why you little-"

Yuna stopped him from doing whatever it was he was about to do, "Seymour, you're supposed to be setting an _example_ for Signy, that includes how to control your anger."

"Yeah, you're not being a very good daddy, Daddy," added Signy.

Yuna giggled, "so cute," and hugged Signy.

"FOOOOOOOOOD'S , ya," announced Wakka, overenthusiastically, as he handed everyone their food.

"You didn't have to yell, you know," said Seymour.

"Shut up and eat your hot dog, Daddy," said Signy." Yuna giggled.

"Okay, people, listen up," said Wakka, "keep your heads, arms, legs, tongues, noses, horns, and hair inside the car, ya? 'RE…"

Seymour panicked as if something awful were about to happen.

"Going to the _Rift_, ya," said Wakka as he drove into a wormhole at 16 miles and hour.

NEXT TIME: The return of Tidus and the most comical battle the Rift has ever seen!


	6. Pantsor was it P

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer: **Nardo owns nothing. How many times do I have to tell you? What?! Every chapter?! What a load of bologna! It's almost 57,000 for crying out loud! (No, I'm not making 57,000 chapters, forget it)

We last left the party going into the rift to rescue Tidus, who was thrown in there by Seymour two chapters ago.

"Hello, people," greeted Tidus, who had no idea he was standing by the portal.

"Tidus," exclaimed Yuna, running out of the limo.

"So, _that's_ what he looks like," said Signy.

"It's over 9,000," screamed Wakka.

"Mmmmmmmmmm, chicken," said the two Ronso for no reason.

"Seymour, get out of the limo," said Yuna.

"No," said Seymour.

"Yes," Yuna insisted.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"GET OUT OF THE F**KING LIMO," shouted Wakka as he dove head first into the limo, initiating a wrestling match.

"REH! Get off of me, Jimmy Neutron," demanded Seymour.

Suddenly, the ground started shaking, even though there didn't seem to be any ground to begin with. Then, the silhouette of something that looked like something with eight-digit HP appeared. Nobody noticed it. Nobody, that is, other than Biran.

"Uh, guys," said Biran.

"What is it," asked Tidus.

"Big, bad thingy coming this way," said the blond Ronso.

Tidus turned around and took a gander at the figure. It looked kinda familiar, but not completely. He remembered that he saw it in some guys YouTube video about him playing the International version of _Final Fantasy X_. Then, he abruptly remembered exactly what it was.

"Hey, guys," said Tidus.

"What," said Wakka and Seymour coming out of the limo with nary a scratch on them. The only scratch on either of them was on Wakka's nose and he got that about a week ago.

"Pants is coming," said Tidus, incorrectly.

"Pants," asked Yuna.

Wakka began to say, "I think you mean P-"

"Wakka shut up," yelled Yuna, knowing if Wakka finished his sentence, Nardo T. Icarus would have to jack up the rating to M and he didn't feel like doing that.

"Sorry," said sad Wakka chibi.

"His name is Penance, you dummies," said Signy, who played the International version.

"Oh," everyone said.

"Okay, according to a walkthrough I read on the Internet somewhere, if we get rid of Penance's arms, he can't use Judgment Day, ya," explained Wakka.

"Got it," said Yuna.

"But watch out,ya? The arms have half a million HP on their own," warned Wakka, not knowing that Tidus and Seymour had already charged in to do battle with Penance's arms so he couldn't use Judgment Day. Little did they realize though, in fact they didn't realize at all, that they left their 'Break Damage Limit' weapons at home. Thus, they did only about 9,999 damage per hit.

"Reh, this worked a lot better in the video," said a frustrated Tidus.

"At this rate, it'll take a whole day," said Seymour.

"Or two," said the young blitzball star.

"Or three," said the demented Guado.

"Or thirty," they both said in unison.

"That's a whole month," said Seymour, stating the obvious.

"_IMMA FIRIN' MAH JUDGMENT DAY_," yelled Penance, almost freezing Seymour and Tidus with blind fear.

"Oh, snap," said Seymour as though he were just cool with the situation. Thus he and Tidus were zapped by Judgment Day and died. Game Over. End of story. _I LIED!!!_ We can't have the story end like that! That would be lame! Not to mention stupid! So, anyway, Seymour and Tidus survived Judgment Day and, realizing their lack of good weapons, backed away.

"What the heck? He's not supposed to use Judgment Day until later, ya," exclaimed Wakka.

"This isn't a video game, stupid! It's the real deal," said Signy.

"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know," yelled the drastically confused blitzball legend.

"Well, if this _was_ a video game, you can just press RESET and act like nothing happened, but you _CAN'T_," said the green-haired chibi Guado.

"Oh," said Wakka.

"Well, if that's the case, then the only way to defeat it…is with another Penance," explained Seymour.

"Where are we gonna get another Penance," questioned Tidus.

"We're screwed," said Wakka.

"No, Daddy, the only way to defeat Penance in real life…is with a _**NUCLEAR MISSLE BARRAGE**_," explained Signy.

"Wouldn't that kill us, too," asked Yuna.

"You're right. Okay, new plan! Daddy, use Lance of Atropy," ordered Signy.

"What am I, a Pokemon," said Seymour.

"_SEYMOUR, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME AND JUST TURN INTO SEYMOUR FLUX AND USE LANCE OF F**KING ATROPY ON PENANCE ALREADY_," demanded the little tike, not realizing she just called her father by his first name.

"_Fine_," said Seymour as he continued to mumble, "I'll turn into Flux so you can shut the f**k up already."

Thus, Seymour entered his third form and used one of his most annoying attacks on the super monster.

"Okay, Mortiochis, use Full Life," said the annoying boss.

(: MORTIOCHIS IS ON A DIET! :)

"_**WHAT THE HECK DOES BEING ON A DIET HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING**_," he yelled.

"Ah, for the love of pizza," said Signy as she cast full life on the giant monster which, if it were a video game, would take at least twenty minutes to kill without Zanmato.

And so the helicopter head fell as quickly as he had arrived. Thanks to Signy, the rift was saved, even though they didn't go there just to defeat Penance in the first place. If that were the case, the could've left Tidus to rot for all they cared. But, no, they were there to rescue Tidus and Penance just happened to be there.

Little did they know, however, that all Penance wanted…

WAS A CUP OF SUGAR!!!!!

Next time: I'm not telling you what's gonna happen in the next chapter, you'll have to find that out for yourselves.


	7. Epilogue

Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

**Disclaimer:** See chapter 1 and chapter 2 and chapter 3 and chapter 4 and chapter 5 and chapter 6.

After the defeat of Penance and the rescue of Tidus, everyone went back to Besaid. What awaited them there would surely put Seymour in a six-week coma…or at least make him faint for five minutes.

"Ah! Seymour," said a familiar voice we hadn't heard outside of a flashback.

"What? Who's calling me," said Seymour.

"Seymour," said Yuna as she ran ahead of the group, "I'd like you to meet your wife."

"My who-with-the-what-now," asked the oblivious Guado.

"Seymour, I vaited so long to see you," said the voice, which apparently belonged to Sveta, as she ran out to hug Seymour.

"Oh, you. Yeah, I think Yuna mentioned you a couple of chapters ago, didn't you, Yuna," said Seymour.

"I did, actually…but that's not important right now…actually it's _very_ important, but beside that point; yes, this is your wife who you left eight years ago. Her name is Sveta and if you are as respectable as you claim to be," said Yuna.

"Which is very, very, very, very, _very_ respectable," added the incompetent Guado.

"You would do well to remember it," finished the former summoner.

"Yeah, well, all I know is that Seymour has some f**king weird hair, ya," said Wakka out of complete random.

"I _told_ you, Wakka," said Seymour, "mutant, evil geese _do_ exist! It's _true_! I saw them in my nightmares!"

"Are you off your meds, Daddy," said Signy. Yuna and Sveta giggled. Biran and Yenke laughed. Seymour snickered. Tidus chuckled… Wakka guffawed.

"Hey, guys, we're back from the ghetto," said Auron, as he returned with Rikku.

"Where'd _you_ go, Auron," interrogated Tidus.

"No interrogating Auron, Tidus. Here's a milk bone," ordered Auron as he actually threw Tidus a milk bone. Tidus started acting like a goldfish.

"I guess he wants fish food," said Wakka.

"Let's give him some bacon," suggested Seymour as he quickly went to the store to buy bacon.

"We can give him this donut I found," suggested Signy as she pulled a donut out of her little pocket.

"No, that has _germs_ on it," squealed Sveta. Auron quickly took the donut and threw it halfway to Zanarkand.

"_**I W A N T A M U S H R O O M**_," demanded Tidus. Auron proceeded to give him a Mario mushroom and he grew ninety feet taller. "_**I A M K I N G O F B E S A I D ! K N E E L B E F O R E M E , M O R T A L S**_," said Tidus.

"Call the _Navy_, ya," screamed Wakka as he ran into his tent and hid under his bed.

And so, after shrinking Tidus to normal size and obliterating his self-esteem into dust, everyone went home and lived happily ever after. Seymour moved in with Sveta and Signy, a decision that was largely influenced (forced) by Auron. He got used to it after a couple of weeks and, thus, even he lived happily ever after. Currently, Wakka is pretending to be a (female) fortune teller and is predicting that Signy will soon be a big sister. However, Wakka has as much foresight as a meteorologist, so the accuracy of his prediction is questionable. So long, folks. Until the next fanfic.

_**T H E E N D ! ! !**_

**Note: **Everything in this fanfic…was _improv! _Totally improv. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
